I’m Not the Person I Was Before the Pandemic
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How long has it been? I feel like it’s been an eternity since this pandemic started and I first heard the word COVID-19.
I can tell you that it would be nice if I never had to hear those words again.
I’m about to vent so look out…
In the beginning I understood why the world pretty much closed and we were basically on house arrest. Yep, those are the words I’ll be using because after a few weeks, that’s how I felt.
Some people took it as a time to connect better with their families and found unique ways to “SEE” distant family members. Fun and cute, in the beginning, but it started to get to me for a number of reasons. The commercials they started putting out to actually advertise “staying at home” got under my skin. Go listen to one…they all start out the same..piano playing in the background, sad message, end of message telling you that specific company was “there for you”…ugh!! It was too much.
I don’t feel like the same person
As I type this, I am holding back tears realizing how different I feel. I feel like a shell of who I was before all of this started. I have seen so many people suffer from this MENTALLY that I keep trying to understand it all and WHY it happened. Something I will never know.
I’m one of those people who has a million questions that have no answers to them…so anxiety would have me drawing my own conclusion. I don’t even know how to explain what has gone on in my mind all this time.
The world we are living in right now is NOT a place I want to be. Some days I’m okay and others I just overthink shit and need a moment to pull myself together….not something you generally expect people to understand or want to discuss with you so I keep quiet.
I stayed the “social distancing” course
I kept my ass home the whole “house arrest” time only leaving the house to go to the store ONCE A WEEK along with a few doctors visits here and there. I swear, our chiropractor helped keep me sane.
I didn’t go out to Target or Walgreen’s to get the few things I would have gotten for my kids for Easter. I did not have birthday parties for 2 of my kids who have April birthday’s. I did not celebrate our wedding anniversary with a night our to dinner in June (restaurants were even open then).
I kept my distance BUT at what effing cost? I was not LIVING!! I’m still not.
Shit, I’m not a real social person as it is BUT I have gone NOWHERE!! All of a sudden cases are rising in other states and they are shutting shit down again. I have my thoughts on all of it and how and why the numbers may be rising but I’ll keep quiet about that part for now.
Al I can think about is WHAT IF WE SHUT DOWN AGAIN? WHAT will that do to me? “Oh you’re being so selfish. What about the people that died?” Yes! I know that and I understand the virus is REAL. Part of me will always wonder HOW bad it really is.
Look at the number of deaths that come from heart disease and cancer every year. Unfortunately, people die. We all will. No one makes it out alive. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no where near ready BUT when it’s my time, it’s my time.
I kept my ass at home and now what? Now I’m even LESS of a people person and STILL don’t care to go anywhere. I’m also noticing that WHEN I DO go somewhere I’m in a panic at first just seeing how peopley it is. Mind you, I’ve been to ONE public place, that’s all.
AGAIN, I’m NOT LIVING!! I seriously do NOT remember the last effing time I was HAPPY!! As in not hurting on the inside with worry and anxiety.
I know, it’s up to me and I get to decide how I deal with things BUT this is definitely taking a toll on me and I feel like it’s getting tougher with each day. All I’ve been doing is worrying and waiting…Waiting for the next “house arrest”. Seems like it’s inevitable.
What the hell kind of life is that to live? Wait, I’m not living!!
Am I falling into the “FEAR”?
Of course I am..somewhat. How do you not worry? I worry about my kids and the rest of my family on a daily basis but this put me a bit over the edge. Of course, “it’s not a big deal and who cares? ” is thrown my way whenever I speak of it which doesn’t really help much.
It’s like I need someone or something to tell me EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY…BUT I just don’t know that it even will be…at least in my mind at this point.
I don’t watch the news. I have unfollowed anyone or anything that spreads the fear or tries to shame others for having an opinion or feelings. SO how the heck am I still finding myself lost in my thoughts and getting worried? Oh, hello ANXIETY…welcome back…I have missed you so. There it is.
You can only take so many showers and baths a day to try to calm your ass down. You can only wipe away so many tears and try to come out of the bathroom looking normal. That’s pretty much what I did in the beginning. I’m sure my family thinks I am crazy.
I’m not even sure where I am now mentally. I just know I am not HAPPY. I get it, not every day is a good day but I don’t FEEL like the person I was before this all started and I don’t like that.
I have a choice
This is all on me. I don’t blame anyone as to WHY I feel the way I feel. The whole situation is messed up and I’m sure there are a lot of people out there with all different feelings on it all.
I have a choice as to HOW I want to LIVE my life (at least I think I still have choices) . Even though there are days that I am overwhelmed with fear and anxiety…I know I need to LIVE MY LIFE and try to make it as normal as possible…and by normal, I do NOT mean the “new normal”.
That’s another few words I could live without because it IS NOT NORMAL! It’s far from it in my eyes. TEMPORARY is what I try to see it as but there ARE days I wonder if this is how it’s going to be and wonder HOW LONG this will be like this.
I can obsess over all of that and become more distant from who I used to be OR I can look at things differently and work on taking steps to get back to who I was. It’s different from day to day and it’s difficult because I feel so far away from that person and it sucks.
I can only imagine how others are feeling if they are anywhere close to what I am going through.
For now, I choose to try to move forward each day and find things that make me happy.
Again, if you’ve made it this far in reading this, I thank you for reading. Whether you agree with it or not is up to you. I don’t expect people to understand or agree with my thoughts and feelings.
What I do expect is that we start to work on understanding people better instead of telling them HOW we think they should feel or that what they are feeling is wrong and selfish. If someone comes to you and needs to vent…listen without judgement. Sometimes all we need is a shoulder to lean on while we get things off of our chest.
Just respect each other. That’s all I ask.
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