Hate the DISEASE, not the person
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Hate the disease NOT the person. I often hear words like this when it comes to addiction. In this case, I’m not sure I can come to terms with that.
I have so many different feelings with all of this and they say to let it out. Well, in fear of actually hurting those involved, I’ve held back for a long ass time. Now, it’s time and I’m almost hoping the person who needs to see this ACTUALLY does see it. Maybe someone will pass it along.
Say it without hurting feelings
I’m not sure there is even a way to do that. Part of me wants you to feel all the pain, hurt, sorrow, abandonment and whatever else others have felt from your actions…and part of me wants you to see the damn light and wake the fuck up!
I’ve watched it first hand. I’ve seen the sadness, hurt and abandonment. I’ve heard the questions of “What did I do wrong? Why me?” I’ve seen that side while you were out living like a rockstar and not giving a rats ass about anyone but yourself. I’ve heard the response of “that guy said he didn’t even know he had a daughter!” I’ve been there not knowing what to say for you because I cannot even imagine why you are doing half the shit you do!
Filling the void
In life we are given 2 parents and no matter what life throws at us or what happens, we still have those 2 parents. I don’t believe there is anything or anyone that can truly fill that void. Many have stepped in and many have been there but a child still feels that missing piece. I would say “He’s still your dad and no matter what you’ll always have a place in your heart for him.” I’m not sure how big of a place there is right now. I do believe that over the years, it has grown smaller and smaller.
I said many a prayer for you to come around. I’ve had conversations with you and heard responses that I wanted to scream for you to WAKE THE FUCK UP!! There isn’t much I can do.
Relationships are important but this one should be number 1
I’m not sure where things started to slip away but I do indeed know there were many lies told and many fingers pointed at the wrong people. Even with all of that starting to unfold at the age of 16, I was still stressing the importance of having a relationship with you…even with all the things that you ALLOWED to happen. I’m not sure if it was out of fear or what it was but there wasn’t much standing up for your child and your relationship with her at that time. It just faded away and you allowed it to happen.
The Shock of it all
Years went by, milestones passed and no contact. I can never pretend to know what that felt like for her and the pain it has caused. What I do know is that it has made a strong person out of her and she hurts but she pushes forward for herself. At times, I believe she pretended that you just didn’t exist. I think it made the pain at least manageable for her.
AND THEN…you almost didn’t exist.
Oh my God, I cannot tell you how hard it was to tell her after we find out through social media, that you were literally hanging by a thread. I got the look of a deer in the headlights. I had no idea how to break the news to her.
My heart was in my throat as we stood in the doorway. Not seeing you for over 5 years and this is how she sees you. I thought..this is it, this is how she’s going to reunite and then have to say goodbye.
FROZEN! She was frozen in time. Couldn’t speak, couldn’t move. This is not how a child is supposed to reunite with a parent! My heart was breaking for her. I was completely impressed with the strength, courage, and FORGIVENESS that was displayed at the most difficult time in her life. I honestly don’t know how she did it.
Second chances aren’t handed out too often and you got one. I know you tired but you let it slip away…AGAIN!
Przebaczenie. It’s what she had tattooed on her arm FOR YOU! She forgave all that had been done in hopes of mending the lost relationship. She forgave in hopes of having a father in her life only to be let down AGAIN! I don’t know how many times a child’s heart can be broken by a parent but I do know it should be NONE! Each time she picks herself up and moves on with that space being smaller and smaller for you. Expecting nothing from you helps her to not feel the pain when the disappointment sneaks in.
Hate the disease, not the person
This started well before any disease showed up so it is hard for me to not dislike you immensely. The word hate is such a strong word so I can’t really use it. Part of me still has this glimmer of hope that you WILL find whatever it is you are looking for and you pull your life together. I don’t speak badly about you because, unfortunately, you are doing a wonderful job of it yourself.
A lot of what you have done is public record so whether you know it or not, she is fully aware of the life you are leading right now. How sad is that? I certainly hope you can turn things around and keep it that way for yourself AND your kids. Yes both of them. Many times the conversation would be…I wonder if he still talks to and sees “X”. The answer was YES…” then why not me?” How does that happen? How does one ALLOW that to happen?
Step up to the plate
Having other people message on social media is NOT the way to win her over, especially the people that are doing the reaching out. Step up to the plate and make an effort. Be honest and admit you’ve done wrong and work through it. I know it may seem difficult as you have masked it with things but you can do it. You owe it to yourself and the people who love you.
If I could say one thing
Just one thing? I could probably say a LOT but what good would that do? If I could say one thign it is that you missed out! You missed out on am amazing girl. You passed her up for others and that is just wrong. You left her hanging without any explanation.
You missed out on so many milestones yet there are still more..it’s not too late to get your shit together and LIVE a clean life. A life where you have the RIGHT people in it. I know that person has to be in there somewhere, you just have to fight for it.
You’ve missed out on this person’s life that YOU helped give life to! She is a strong-willed, resilient, intelligent, forgiving, kind-hearted young lady.
Don’t feel sorry for her
See, because of what you have done and not done, she has grown into this strong person that she is today. She doesn’t use any of this as an excuse, she uses it all as a reason…A reason to be the kick-ass individual that will always and forever have that special place in my heart.
Shame on you for not being able to see any of this! Please wake up!!
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